Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
