I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
