Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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