he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
we're so committed to being not committed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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