We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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