I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
