I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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