had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
