Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
