i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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