dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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