i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have peed in a lot of sinks
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
