Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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