Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
