took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
