I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Randomize
