ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
