I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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