So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
