My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
