stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
