im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
