We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
