a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize