i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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