Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
