I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
