how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
