Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
