Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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