omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
