I met the friendliest cop last night
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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