Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
