your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
