i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
