I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
