I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
