I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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