eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize