I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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