Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
