There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
