I have demons in me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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