My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
