my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
