That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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