god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
