the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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