I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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