There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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