There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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