I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize