My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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