he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
