I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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