I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
