I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Randomize
