I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
