Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize