My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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