i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
