Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
