Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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